The Bachelorette Party
by mphs95
Summary: Bobbie's getting married! Something comes to the party to "spice things up". Watch how Monica, Carly, Tracy, Robin, and others handle it...and how their significant others cope! LOL Takes place sometime after "The Long Road Home"
1. Chapter 1 - Chocolate and Sex

**PORT CHARLES POLICE DEPARTMENT - 2 AM**

Everyone arrived at the police department in a group. Patrick was first, followed by Noah, AJ, Jax, Mac, Robert, Spinelli, Sean, and Lucky. Luke and Alan came inside last.

When all were together, they were all led into Lieutenant Taggert's office. The detective spoke up with a confident air. "Hello, gentlemen"

"Taggert, spill it. Why are we all here?" Alan said

Taggert looked to Noah and smiled. "Well, your fiancée" Then he looked to Spinelli, Patrick, and AJ. "Your girlfriends". Next he looked at Mac and Robert. "Your ex-wives", then to Alan, Jax, Lucky, and Sean. "And your wives"

**6 HOURS EARLIER**

Monica was in her slip as she walked out of the master bathroom and towards her closet. Alan was reading a medical journal from the couch and enjoying the view of his wife. After a few moments, Monica came back out with a little black dress with a tank design and A line cut. Alan watched her walk to the bed and especially enjoyed his view as she walked away from him. After a moment, she looked up and turned around.

"Alan, were you checking me out?"

Alan was watching his wife's backside with considerable appreciation, not hearing his wife.

"Alan…..ALAN!"

Alan snapped out of his reverie. "What, Darling? Oh, I was just appreciating the view"

Monica smiled, feeling flattered that she could turn her husband's head after over 30 years of marriage. "I'm sure you were. Didn't you get enough this morning?"

Alan got up and walked over to his wife. He took her in his arms and then let his hand slide slowly until it got to her posterior, where he gave it a pat. "This, I could never get enough of" Alan said with a lecherous tone

Monica laughed, and then patted Alan's cheek. "Goodness, Alan, you're becoming one of those 'sex-crazed' teenagers that Edward is always bellowing about. Now, you have to let me go. The limo for Bobbie's bachelorette party will be here soon. Now do I need to worry about you guys here at the house tonight? Because if I see some stripper pawing you, I'm pulling her hair out, then kicking your ass."

Alan let go reluctantly. "Darling, you know that the only one allowed to paw me is you. Now, where are you ladies going?"

"I'm not sure. Frankly, with Carly hosting this, I'm very scared"

Alan nodded in understanding. "I guess with Bobbie making you her matron of honor, it was the best way to keep the peace so she wouldn't throw a hissy fit. Just be careful, please. I don't want to have to bail you out of jail"

Monica laughed. "Don't worry, my love. We're grown women. What kind of trouble can Carly get us into?"

**QUARTERMAINE GATEHOUSE **

Lulu and Spinelli are giggling and being stupid. The windows are open and there is still faint smoke in the air from their earlier "activities" as Lulu pulls a pan from the oven. She sets it down next to another tray. Nikolas was out of town and Emily was working at the hospital.

"There, last tray. Brownies for my Aunt Bobbie's party, and brownies for later with my boyfriend" Lulu said as they kissed.

"Blonde One, I don't know if I can wait until you get back from your aunt's party to partake in the food of the gods" Spinelli replied as he reached for one of the "special" brownies"

Lulu slapped his hand. "No, Spinelli. We will eat them together." She giggled again and looked to a mirror on the refrigerator. "Okay, my eyes are no longer red, so I'm going to take a shower and get ready to go. You need to get to Sonny's. Aren't you supposed to work on his computer tonight?"

Spinelli's eyes bugged out. "Oh crap…The Godfather! I've got to go soon! But, if the Blonde One wants, I can wait until she leaves for the gathering"

Lulu smiled. "Sure, if you want. I don't think Nik and Em are going to care."

Fifteen minutes later, Spinelli was playing on his laptop on the table near the brownies when Lulu yelled from the top of the stairs in the kitchen. She had a towel on her head. "Spinelli?"

Spinelli turned. "Yes, Blonde One?"

"I'm sorry, but can you run and get my bag out of your car?"

Spinelli stood up. "For my Warrior Princess, anything" He walked out the kitchen door with a goofy look on his face.

A few moments later, Alan walked into the kitchen, holding his cell phone to his chest as he looked around. "Hello? Lulu?" He spoke into the cell phone. "Well, Lulu and Spin what's-his-name are nowhere to be found. So, top shelf in the cupboard?" He said as he walked over and opened the cupboard. "Yes, Emily, your prenatal vitamins are here. I'll run them up to the hospital right now." A short pause. "Em, it's no problem. See you soon, Sweetheart. Bye"

He hung up his phone and put it in his pocket. Alan turned around and noticed the brownies on the table. He walked over to the table with a small smile on his face as he picked up both trays of brownies and sniffed them. "God, I miss this stuff" he said to himself.

He was in the process of putting them back on the table when Spinelli walked back into the kitchen holding Lulu's overnight bag. When the young man saw Alan holding the trays, he flipped out. "Dr. Dad! Get away from those!"

Alan dropped them scattered across the table, scared out of his mind. "What the hell is the matter with you?" Alan yelled. "Are you trying to give me another heart attack?"

Spinelli ran over and grabbed the trays. He put them back on the pot holders. "N-n-n-o, Paternal One. I just didn't want you to eat the brownies. They're for the girl party this evening. Wh-what are you doing here?"

Alan walked up, his height of 6'3" dwarfing the younger man. "Not that I owe you an explanation, I was getting my daughter's prenatal vitamins so I can take them to her at the hospital." He saw Spinelli being increasingly fidgety. "Kid, lay off the espresso" Alan said as he turned around and walked out of the kitchen.

Spinelli leaned against the sink in relief. Lulu came down in a bathrobe, grabbed her bag and ran behind the pantry door to change. "Spinelli, what's the matter?"

"The Paternal One was looking at our brownies, but he didn't get any"

Lulu emerged in a violet dress. Her eyes bugged out in horror as she ran to her purse to double check the contents. "Thank god. He's my step-uncle. Getting him stoned would not be good"

Just then, a loud horn bellowed from outside. "Oh crap, the limo is here and you're overdue at Sonny's." She grabbed the "regular" brownies and gave her boyfriend a kiss. "I'll call you when I'm done."

A minute later, Lulu jumped into the limo. Bobbie, Keesha, Carly, Felicia, and Anna were on one side. Tiffany, Elizabeth, Tracy, Monica, and Robin were on the other as Lulu got inside holding the brownies. The chauffeur shut the door.

Carly saw what Lulu was holding. "Lulu, I love you! We can't have sex right now, but we can have chocolate, ladies!" She exclaimed as the pan was passed around to everyone in the limo. When everyone had a brownie, Carly lifted hers up. "To my mother, who's marrying the man of her dreams. Hope the sex is always good. But always remember, Mom, like a good man, chocolate will always be with you. To chocolate and sex"

"To chocolate and sex!" Even Tracy chimed in for the toast as the limo drove off.


	2. Chapter 2 - Trouble at Jake's

**SONNY'S PENTHOUSE - 2 HOURS LATER**

Spinelli was alone at the penthouse eating one of the brownies he pilfered from the "special" collection while messing with Sonny's laptop. He has a puzzled look. "I know the Blonde One used the Mary Jane I had grown in my secret garden with love. Why doesn't the Jackal feel like he's on Cloud 9? The Jackal feels like….normal."

Suddenly, a look for mortification swept his face as he remembered Alan handling the trays of brownies made earlier.

"The Paternal One! Oh my God…"

** HOTEL SUITE - METRO COURT **

The ladies were going insane while the strippers were dancing to Hot Chocolate's _Everyone's A Winner_. Bobbie was in a chair in the middle of the room while the lead dancer was gyrating in front of her. She had a shot glass in one hand and a brownie in the other with a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos in her lap.

Monica was dancing with another stripper and enjoying the view. She felt the urge to call Alan, but decided she needed something else instead. "I need a shot!" She yelled

Carly stumbled over to Monica as she brought the bottle of Jagermeister over. "For my former bitch mother-in-law, sure"

"That's Dr. Bitch to you" Monica retorted as Carly poured another shot for her.

"Whatever. Where are the brownies?" Carly bellowed, then saw a dancer come over and started to dance with him. "Brownies can wait"

In another corner of the room, Lulu sat with Robin, Elizabeth, Keesha, Felicia, and Tracy, passing around the brownie tray, followed by another bag of Doritos.

"You know, Stepmonster, you're kind of cool right now." Lulu stuttered before shoving a brownie in her mouth.

"Wellllll, thhhhhaaaank you, Lulululu" Tracy slurred as she took the salt shaker from Robin, who swallowed a shot of Jose Cuervo that was being passed around. "I think you're kind of cool, too"

Robin and Keesha looked at each other and laughed. Keesha could barely contain herself as she fell out of her chair laughing. Robin looked and laughed harder. "Holy shit. Tracy Q-Q-Quaterrrrrrmmaine is being cool. Presses the stops…Press the stops….Wait, how does it go again?"

The dancers finished their show and left with generous tips. After they left, Anna wobbily stood up. "Hey, let's go out!"

Bobbie sat up as a light bulb lit. "Let's go to Jake's! I'm hungry!"

Everyone yelled in agreement as they stumbled out of the suite high as a kite. Tracy brought up the rear fighting with Monica for the last brownie.

**QUARTERMAINE DEN**

Noah was getting the benefit of a lap dance to Love and Rockets's _So Alive _while the party goers were looking on with laughter and giving catcalls.

After Noah's dance was completed, Luke was talking to Alan when another dancer came by and offered one to Alan. "No thank you, miss. You're lovely, but the only lap dances I get are from my wife"

Luke chimed in. "Not me. Come on, baby."

The dancer looked. "Maybe later." She looked again at Alan. "Too bad, you're cute" She said as she caressed his cheek and walked away.

Luke turned to Alan. "The only lap dances I get are from my _wife_? Damn, you and the good heart doctor still have that much fun, huh?"

Alan got a Cheshire grin on his face. "Oh yeah, Luke. Monica is like a fine wine. She only got better with age" He declared as the men high five each other.

Patrick overheard the conversation and got a weirded out face. Noah came up behind him. "Ah, overheard about the Drs. Quartermaine, huh?"

"Unfortunately. There are some things I don't need to hear about, especially about two of my superiors"

Noah put his arm around his son. "Patrick, you should have been there during the early years. When they weren't fighting, they gave GH linen closets their reputation" He walked away laughing as Patrick's mortification intensified.

**1:30 AM**

Alan, Robert, Sean, Luke, Robert, Mac, and Jax were playing poker. AJ and Lucky were talking to Noah, Patrick, and Spinelli, who joined the party earlier. Reginald entered the den. "I hate to interrupt the party, but I have a group announcement."

Alan looked up from his poker game. "What is it, Reginald? This is a bachelor party!"

"Well, Dr. Quartermaine, Lieutenant Taggert called. Apparently, the members of the bachelorette party were, ahem, arrested at Jake's Bar for….. disturbing the peace. He needs you all to come down and I quote 'come get your women' "

"Oh good Lord" Alan muttered as he and the others got up and walked out to their cars. They traveled in a caravan to the Port Charles Police Department.


	3. Chapter 3 - The Ladies Come Down

**PORT CHARLES POLICE DEPARTMENT - 2 AM**

Everyone arrived at the police department in a group. Patrick was first, followed by Noah, AJ, Jax, Mac, Robert, Spinelli, Sean, and Lucky. Luke and Alan came in last.

When all were together, they were all led into Lieutenant Taggert's office. The detective spoke up with a confident air. "Hello, gentlemen"

"Taggert, spill it. Why are we all here?" Alan said

Taggert looked to Noah and smiled. "Well, your fiancée" Then he looked to Spinelli, Patrick, and AJ. "Your girlfriends". Next he looked at Mac and Robert. "Your ex-wives", then to Alan, Jax, Lucky, and Sean. "And your wives"

Alan got angrier. "Taggert. Cut the crap, what happened?"

"Well, the ladies, all severely inebriated, apparently decided to go to Jake's to continue their party. A group of college students started to dance with the women. One made a pass at Dr. Quartermaine, who proceeded to tell him…" Taggert got out his notebook. "…'Don't even think about it, preschooler. My Big Guy is more virile and hotter in the sack than you could ever dream to be'" Alan made a proud face as the guys gave him pats on the back.

Taggert continued, stifling his laughter as he continued to consult his notes. "Whereas the student called her an 'old hag'. This led to a shouting match with Dr. Quartermaine, Ms. Devane and Mrs. Donely. Ms. Devane stated." Taggert turned a couple of pages in his notebook. "…'I could break your 'dickless' neck with my pinky finger'"

"That's my Anna" Robert quipped to laughter from the other men

Taggart continued to read from his notebook. "When said student dared her to do it, she jumped him, knocking him flat on his ass" He looked to Mac. "While throwing a bar stool at another student, Ms. Scorpio-Jones hit the pinball machine by mistake"

The men started laughing as Taggert shut his notebook. "This developed into a full-fledged brawl, destroying most of the bar stools and pool tables. The police were called and all the ladies were given breathalyzers. Everyone, including Ms. Lesley Lu Spencer, who is a minor, blew past the legal limit. I suspect they were also under the influence of marijuana because Mrs. Tracy Quartermaine-Spencer has been demanding licorice for an hour."

Mac contained himself stepped forward. "Taggert, we will all go see the owner of Jake's later on today. If we all agree to pay for the damages, I think we can drop the charges against the ladies. What do you think?"

"Commissioner, the lad-"

"Were at a bachelorette party and were very intoxicated. Most of the women the most part are upstanding citizens. Lulu Spencer has no record and will be receiving a punishment far worse than an MIP in the morning."

Seeing Taggert's petulance, Mac walked up closer and whispered. "I only just reconciled with Felicia. Plus you have also arrested four Quartermaines and a girlfriend of another Quartermaine, who is a fellow officer. Don't forget my niece was also arrested. Do you really want to push this?"

Taggert saw his coup going down the tubes. "I guess not, Commissioner" He turned to the uniform cop. "Okay, Murphy. Bring the ladies out. Their rides are here"

Officer Murphy returned a few minutes later with the ladies coming out in a single file line. Lulu was the first one out. Luke smiled to step towards her, but she only replied with a "Hi, Dad" as she went to Spinelli and spun him in a circle.

He whispered in her ear. "Blonde One, I think the special brownies accidentally got switched by the Paternal One"

Lulu, inebriated and stoned, yelled "The brownies!" She looked to all the surprised faces at her. "Sorry" She turned to Spinelli and suddenly the room began to spin. "Come on, I don't feel so good"

He led Lulu out, but she turned around. "Where's a bathroom?" Spinelli remembered and dragged her into the nearby bathroom. Her vomiting could be heard in the squad room.

Slowly, the rest of the ladies come out. Monica was the second to last. "Hey Big Guy" Monica slurred as she stumbled, landing in Alan's arms. She looked up at him with glazed over red eyes as she grabbed his butt in front of everyone. The ladies who saw whistled while Alan turned red and the other guys snickered.

Monica continued to slur her speech. "Do you know what I want to do to you right now, my virile, sexy husband?"

"Let's talk about it at home, Monica" Alan responded as he led her out the door with a small smile on his face.

**ALAN & MONICA'S BEDROOM – 3 AM**

Alan helped his wife to their bedroom. He undressed her and put her to bed. He came back a few minutes later with Motrin and water. He got Monica to drink three glasses of water. When he was done helping her, he got himself ready for bed. When he came out, Monica was passed out cold sleeping. Alan bent across the bed to kiss her goodnight, but only smelled the alcohol.

"Sleep well, Darling. You're going to have a hard morning, tomorrow" Alan got under the covers and turned out the light.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Morning After

**9 AM**

Alan came in holding a tray of coffee, a Bloody Mary, and dry toast. The curtains were drawn, blocking out the light. Monica was still sleeping soundly, so Alan set down the tray, walked over to the curtains, and opened them.

Monica groaned as the light came into the room. "Ugh, turn off the damn light!"

Alan, holding back a small smile, came over and poured his wife a cup of black coffee along with the Bloody Mary. "Here, Darling. You look like you could use this"

Monica moved to get up, but her head felt like a vice. "Oh, my head hurts" After moving into a sitting position, she took what Alan offered. First, she slowly imbibed the Bloody Mary, followed by the coffee.

Alan went into the bathroom and came out with a bottle of Motrin. He took a few out. "Here, Darling. You might want to eat the toast before taking the ibuprofen."

Monica gingerly reached out for the toast. "Alan, what the hell happened?"

"Well, apparently, the bachelorette party decided to move to Jake's and you assisted in starting a brawl in which you all destroyed the place"

Monica was mortified. "How did it start?"

"Well, I have a feeling it originally started with the magic ingredient in the brownies Lulu brought to the party"

Monica looked perplexed, and then it dawned on her. "You don't think -"

"Yes I do. From the way that weirdo kid Spinelli was looking, the brownies Lesley Lu took to your party were not intended for you ladies. You were, as the young kids put it, stoned off of your butt, which probably led to you all getting drunk. The hotel room at Metro Court had many scattered liquor bottles."

Monica was more mortified. "Oh God! How the hell did the fight start though?"

Alan smiled. "Well, some college pipsqueak decided to make a pass at you. You turned him down stating, and I quote, 'Don't even think about it, preschooler. My Big Guy is more virile and hotter in the sack than you could ever dream to be'" Alan's smile got bigger. "It's nice to know my wife still has the hots for me after all these years. But I'm getting off track. You, Anna and Tiffany got into a shouting match with other members of the group, and then a group brawl started."

"Oh God…"

"Monica, the owner heard about what happened and thought it was pretty funny, so he decided not to press charges as long as we all pay for the damages"

Monica put her head in her hands. Miraculously, her hangover was almost gone and she was starting to feel more like herself again. "I'm so sorry, Alan."

"Why, Monica? It's nice to know that even after all these years I can still get you turned on." He noticed Monica's color returning, so he touched her cheek with his finger, which trailed down her neck and towards the plunging cleavage of her nightgown.

Monica smiled. "Why, Dr. Quartermaine, what on earth are you doing? Did you help my hangover so you could have your way with me?"

"Of course not, Darling. I helped you with your hangover so you could get better. I'm exploring your luscious cleavage because I want to have my way with you"

"Alan Quartermaine, you're bad"

"Yeah, and you love it." Alan moved the tray to the floor, went back to his wife, put his arms around her, and began to show her how he could beat a college student any day.

**THE END**


End file.
